apnejokes

My sister and I were wrestling in the house which was a no no. My sister was throwing me around having a good time. She kind of threw me too hard once and I fell through the wall. We were living in a trailor at the time so the walls were VERY thin. We were like OH MY GOD!! WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?!! We couldnt say we were wrestling… that just wouldnt work… he he. So what we did was tell a lie in a way it sounded like the truth. Let me explain….

My dad use to always tell use if we told the truth if we did something bad we wouldnt get in trouble as much so we used that to our advantage. When dad got home, we met him at the door. My sister did the talking… which was probably a good thing… he he. My sister said to my dad. “You know dad how you always told us if we tell the truth you wont be as mad?” My dad reluctantly said, “Yea I remember. What did you all do?” This took the edge off… he he. What was funny was that after saying this, my sister went on to tell a lie to cover up the probem… he he. We already discussed that we were going to tell him I accidently tripped over the cloths basket and fell through the wall. I was going through my clumsy stage so we thought he would buy it. He did… he never questioned it especially since we were telling the “truth” so he wouldnt be mad… he he. My sister and I laugh about that also to this day.

There were three men who were lost in the forest. They were then captured by cannibals. The cannibal king then told the prisoners that they could live if they pass the trial.

First step of the trial is to go to the forest with the cannibals and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, “I brought ten apples.” The king then explains the trial to him. You have to shove the fruits up your rear with out any expression on your face or you’ll be eaten. The first apple went in… but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.

The second one arrives and shows the king his ten fruits were berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1… 2…3…4…5…6…7…8… on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter, therefore, he also was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven.

The first guy asked, “Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?” The second guy replied, “I couldn’t help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples.”

The first grade class comes in from recess, and Teacher asks Mary, “What did you do at recess?” Mary says, “I played in the sand box.” Teacher says, “That’s good. Go to the blackboard, and if you can write ’sand’ correctly, I’ll give you a fresh-baked cookie.” She does, and gets a cookie. Teacher asks Billy what he did at recess. Billy says, “I played with Mary in sand box.” Teacher says, “Good. If you write ‘Box” correctly on blackboard, I’ll give you a fresh baked cookie.” Billy does, and gets a cookie. Teacher then asks Bernie Goldberg what he did at recess. He says, “I tried to play with Mary and Billy, but they threw rocks at me.” Teacher says, “Threw rocks at you? That sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can go the blackboard and write ‘blatant racial discrimination’ I’ll give you a cookie.”

A businessman walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He says he is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan. So the businessman hands over the keys to a Rolls-Royce parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the businessman returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest , which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is; why would you bother to borrow $5,000?

The businessman replied: Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks for 15 bucks?

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”  

Late last Saturday night; a young chap was walking home from a club.

It was a cold, wet, windy evening, and he was tired and freezing.

Most of the streetlights in the area were broken, and the silence was only broken by the occasional sound of a stray cat sifting through a dustbin.

Then suddenly he heard a strange noise…….

BUMP……..

BUMP……..

BUMP……..

Startled by this, he turned, and to his amazement, through the driving rain, he saw the faint outline of a large box turning into his road.

BUMP……..

BUMP……..

BUMP……..

He froze to the spot, he couldn’t believe his eyes, as the box approached from the shadows, he was able to make out its shape more clearly….

It was a coffin

Not wanting anything to do with this, he put his head down and started walking briskly home.

BUMP……..

BUMP……..

BUMP……..

He could feel the coffin gaining on him, he started walking faster………..

BUMP……..BUMP…….

BUMP……..BUMP…….

BUMP……..BUMP……..

The coffin was closing with his every step, he started to jog, but he heard the coffin speed up after him……

BUMP……..BUMP…BUMP…

BUMP……..BUMP…BUMP…

BUMP……..BUMP…BUMP…

He started to sprint, but so did the coffin …….

BUMP…BUMP…BUMP…BUMP…..

BUMP…BUMP…BUMP…BUMP…..

BUMP…BUMP…BUMP…BUMP…..

Eventually he made it to his front door, but he knew the coffin was only seconds behind. Fumbling around in his pocket, he pulled out his keys, his hand trembling, he managed to open the lock, he dived inside slamming the front door behind him.

He shot into his front room, and slumped into his comfy chair.
Suddenly there was a loud crash, as the coffin smashed its way through the front door.

The force of the impact broke the lock off the coffin allowing the lid to swing freely on its rusty hinges as it continued its chase…..

BUMP…SCREECH…BUMP…SCREECH…

BUMP…SCREECH…BUMP…SCREECH…

BUMP…SCREECH…BUMP…SCREECH…

BUMP…SCREECH…BUMP…SCREECH…

In horror the young lad fled again, as fast as his shaking legs could take him he bolted upstairs to the bathroom and locked the door……..

BUMP…SCREECH…HOP…BUMP…SCREECH…HOP…

BUMP…SCREECH…HOP…BUMP…SCREECH…HOP…

BUMP…SCREECH…HOP…BUMP…SCREECH…HOP…

The coffin again gave chase up the stairs, across the landing and launched itself at the bathroom door. With an almighty smash, the bathroom door flew off its hinges…..

The coffin stood in the doorway, then started to approach the young terrified lad.

BUMP…SCREECH…BUMP…SCREECH…

BUMP…SCREECH…BUMP…SCREECH…

BUMP…SCREECH…BUMP…SCREECH…

In a last ditch attempt to save his skin, he reached for his bathroom cabinet……

He grabbed a bar of Imperial Leather soap and threw it at the coffin………still it came ……..

BUMP…SCREECH…BUMP…SCREECH…

He grabbed his can of Lynx deodorant and threw it …..still it came

BUMP…SCREECH…BUMP…SCREECH…

He grabbed his first aid kit and threw it ……still it came……

BUMP…SCREECH…BUMP…SCREECH…

He grabbed some Benalin cough mixture and threw it……..

The coffin stopped.

Joke of The Day

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“

Common sense nothing Common

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300°C.

The Russians used a pencil .

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